Rollercoaster - The Best Intentions part 2
Apr. 6th, 2009 08:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
r_scribblesMore Rollercoaster, chums and chum-ettes. Oooh, and I have two of the randomest warnings ever to attach to this one. The first is that there is a very minor, 3rd Party hint at P/C Closeness, which I know certain members of my FList would rather avoid - the second is that this chapter includes a Spoiler for the end of the stage version of Alan Menken's 'Little Shop of Horrors'. Yes, the play's about 30 years old, but people complained when Paul Merton spoiled 'The Mousetrap' on the Beeb back in the 90s. Yarrr. Fairly warned by me be ye.
ROLLERCOASTER
-x-
The Best Intentions
-x-
Two
-x-
Thud. Thud. Thud.
Her feet pounded the running machine’s conveyor track with a soothing cadence. All the sounds of the gym melted away until she was left with only two bass rhythms – that of her feet, and of her fast, regular pulse racing through her ears. She concentrated her vision on her stats on the monitor in front of her – speed, heart rate, distance covered.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
Her mind became completely clear for the first time in some while. She focussed entirely on the mission ahead, her thoughts growing objective and calm as she ran.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
‘Tasha.’
A pale, cool hand fell on her arm. She stumbled a little, and looked across at him, her eyes taking a moment to refocus on his face. The noises of the gym and the ship returned to her, as did the hundreds of whispering thoughts muddying her mind.
‘Hi, Data.’
She slowed her pace slightly so that she could spare the breath for a conversation, and continued running as he addressed her.
‘Were you aware that Dr Crusher has indefinitely postponed the production?’
‘Little Shop?’ Tasha clarified. ‘Yeah, I heard about that.’
‘All rehearsals have been cancelled for the foreseeable future.’
‘It wasn’t exactly coming together well, was it?’
‘Even so,’ Data replied, ‘it is out of character for her to abandon a performance…’
‘Well,’ Tasha mumbled, ‘she doesn’t exactly have much of a choice. Something’s come up. She’s gonna be indisposed for a while.’
‘I see.’ Data paused. ‘Since rehearsals have been cancelled, considerably clearing our social schedules, I came to ask if you would enjoy an hour on the Holodeck this evening.’
Tasha slowed further and stared at him with a mocking smile. ‘Am I hearing this right? You’re actually taking the initiative and arranging a date? You actually want to spend some time alone with me?’
‘Not as such,’ Data replied, flatly. ‘However, I was under the impression that you wanted us to spend more time alone together than we had been, and since you appear to have enjoyed the Holodeck in the past…’
Tasha shook her head, turning back to the monitor screen ahead of her. ‘Always about what I want with you, isn’t it?’
‘Is that a problem, Tasha?’
‘I suppose not.’ Tasha frowned. ‘Not that it matters now, anyway. I’m afraid I’m going to be indisposed for the time being as well.’
‘For the same reasons as Dr Crusher?’
‘Pretty much.’
‘I see.’
There was a pause as Tasha continued to run.
‘You’re not gonna ask why?’ Tasha added, suddenly, ‘or for how long? Or if it’s safe?’
‘I assumed that that information would be confidential,’ Data replied, ‘otherwise you would have already shared it with me.’
‘That’s not the point,’ Tasha retorted. ‘It’d just be nice to know you cared.’
‘Very well,’ conceded Data. ‘Why are you indisposed? For how long? Will your safety be assured until then?’
‘I can’t tell you,’ Tasha muttered. ‘It’s classified.’ She cast a glance at the now utterly confused android. ‘There, now. Was that so difficult?’
Data darted a bewildered gaze about himself, as though he needed somebody to translate what she was saying into something he could understand.
‘Sorry,’ she grunted, focussing once more on her jog. ‘Ignore me.’
Data nodded, with a hint of relief. ‘Very well.’ He turned to go.
‘Now’s just not a good time for me,’ she added.
‘I see. Perhaps you can inform me when it is “a good time for you”.’
‘Who knows when that’ll be,’ she replied.
There was no response. After a few seconds she looked back across at him.
He wasn’t there. She craned her neck around a little further just in time to see him placidly stepping out of the gym. She had told him to ignore her and so that was what he had done. As simple as that. No pushing her for details, no asking her if she was OK. Not even a recrimination for being so stubbornly oblique. He wasn’t going to worry about her while she was away on her mission, she conceded. And if she never came back from it, he wouldn’t cry for her. He’d just carry on. She wasn’t even sure whether he’d so much as miss her. She increased the speed of the machine and scowled as she ran.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
And if anything were to happen to him, how would she feel? She would be devastated. She’d thought she’d lost him in the past, and she’d damn near gone to pieces.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
You get too close and you end up getting hurt. That was the lesson her early life had painfully taught her. And look what she was doing now – getting too close, much too close, to a man who would never, could never have feelings for her.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
In a way, she’d almost miss those rehearsals, since when they were acting he at least pretended to be in love with her…
Shit.
There was that goddammed word.
She didn’t have time to think about that right now. She had a dangerous, vital mission ahead of her. She was supposed to be concentrating on that.
Maybe a good, long run would clear her head again.
Yes. Perhaps that was all she really needed.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
Speed.
Love…
Heart rate.
That is what you feel, though, isn’t it?
Distance…
Ah, crap.
…covered.
-x-
‘You’re going to be OK.’
The flat joylessness of Beverly Crusher’s voice mirrored the way Tasha felt.
The Doctor checked over Tasha’s arm one last time. ‘How does it feel?’
‘Numb,’ replied Tasha, a world away.
Crusher frowned. ‘You’ve lost feeling in it?’
Tasha shook her head. ‘I mean, it feels normal. Doesn’t hurt any more. Thanks, Beverly.’
She didn’t usually refer to Dr Crusher by her first name. Something about the experience they had shared – the experience they were continuing to share – made her feel that perhaps she should.
Crusher leaned back and regarded Tasha, seriously. ‘You mustn’t blame yourself for what happened, Tasha.’
‘I was there for his protection,’ Tasha breathed. ‘I didn’t exactly do a very good job of it.’
‘Isn’t that exactly what you said when the Borg had snatched him from the Bridge?’
‘Precisely,’ Tasha retorted, bitterly. ‘I failed him back then, too.’
‘I’m positive we were all drawn into a trap…’
‘…Which I should have spotted before it was too late!’
‘So should I,’ argued the Doctor. ‘So should Jean Luc.’
‘Don’t…’ Tasha warned, softly.
‘And so should Starfleet Command, before we were even so much as sent there,’ Crusher persisted. ‘It isn’t fair on yourself to take sole responsibility for the Captain’s capture.’ She put a hand on Tasha’s shoulder. ‘If it hadn’t been for you, Tasha, I wouldn’t have got away either. How you fought your way out with an injured arm is beyond me. You showed extraordinary fortitude.’
‘Please don’t patronise me, Beverly.’
Crusher pressed her lips together. ‘It’s not your fault.’
‘I’ll be the judge of that.’ Tasha sighed deeply. She knew she was being unfair. ‘We’ll get him back. We’ll do whatever it takes.’
Crusher cast her eyes down. ‘Not if our new Captain has anything to do with it. Jellico’s already given Jean Luc up for dead.’
‘He isn’t dead,’ Tasha asserted. ‘The Cardassians wouldn’t execute somebody as important as him. They’ll be keeping him alive.’
‘Somehow,’ replied the Doctor, ‘that isn’t making me feel much better.’
‘Sorry.’ Tasha paused, sadly. ‘I know you’re very close to him.’
‘And I know you’re very protective of him.’
‘He’s my Captain,’ Tasha shrugged. ‘I’m Chief of Security… it’s sorta part of the job description to be protective. We will get him back.’
‘Tasha,’ interrupted a calm voice from the doorway. ‘Dr Crusher. Welcome back on board.’
Tasha looked across at Data. The boyfriend who had not seen her or known where she was for days, who had heard second hand that she had been injured and their Captain captured in a failed undercover mission, gave her no more by way of a greeting than a courteous nod.
‘How is your arm?’
Well, Tasha conceded, at least he appeared to care about that.
‘It’ll be fine,’ she told him.
Data nodded again. ‘Would you care to accompany me to Ten Forward now?’
‘I don’t think now’s the time, Data,’ she replied with a confused frown. ‘We’re due for debriefing in thirty minutes.’
‘I am aware of that,’ Data retorted. ‘And that event will be in thirty-four minutes.’
‘It still isn’t a lot of time for a reunion. But it’s very nice to know that you were so anxious to see me.’
‘I am not anxious. I was summoned here.’
Tasha blinked. ‘What?’
‘You’re mentally and physically exhausted,’ Crusher announced, ‘not to mention, famished. I’ve put Data under the orders I’d give any spouse or partner of somebody in your situation – to make sure you spend every available moment resting, and getting plenty to eat.’
‘You will have time before your debriefing to consume a light meal,’ added Data. ‘I assumed that you would prefer to do so in Ten Forward, although we could just as easily retire to your quarters.’
‘You came to see me because you were told to,’ concluded Tasha, faintly.
Dr Crusher started putting her instruments away. ‘I’ll see you both at the debriefing. If you two don’t mind, I’d like to spend the next half an hour alone with a cup of tea and my thoughts.’
Data stopped her. ‘If you do not mind my asking, Doctor, are the rehearsals to re-commence at any point in the near future?’
‘Rehearsals?’ Beverly echoed.
‘Yes. For the musical.’
Crusher gazed blankly at him. ‘Data, I cancelled that before we left.’
‘On the contrary, Doctor. You postponed the play, apparently for the duration of your mission. Now that you have returned, is it to continue?’
The Doctor continued to give him an empty, bewildered stare. ‘No. I… I don’t think so. Data, that’s the last thing on my mind right now.’
‘So, it is cancelled?’
‘Probably. Yes.’
Data nodded. ‘That is probably for the best. Many of the musical numbers were still poorly presented, and there were issues with blocking from the outset.’
‘Yes,’ sighed Beverly, wearily. ‘So you told me at the time. Repeatedly.’
‘Besides,’ Data continued, ‘even though the production had a reasonably simple plot, I felt that there was still much that I failed to comprehend about my character’s motives.’
Beverly snorted a small, tired laugh. ‘Seymour Krelbourne’s hardly an enigma, Data. What could you have possibly had trouble understanding?’
‘He spends practically all of the play concerning himself with his survival, as well as his social and economic improvement,’ Data replied, ‘and yet, the instant that Audrey is devoured by the plant, he willingly throws himself in after her. Why would he sacrifice his life for a woman who has no hope of escaping death?’
Beverly stared sadly at him. ‘Because he loves her, Data.’
The android pondered this for a moment. ‘Oh.’
There was something about that ‘Oh’ which hit Tasha with a sudden wall of unhappy clarity. She took a deep breath in, then exhaled slowly. She knew that this would, technically, be easy - which, conversely, actually made it all the more painful for her to do.
‘We’ll leave you in peace, Doctor,’ she murmured.
‘See you in half an hour,’ Crusher replied.
Data took her arm. ‘Shall we walk to Ten Forward?’
‘Yes,’ Tasha replied, quietly. ‘Why not?’
They walked in silence for a moment or two.
‘I trust that you are not laying the blame for Captain Picard’s capture solely upon yourself,’ Data announced, suddenly. ‘I am aware that this situation has similarities to the Borg’s abduction of the Captain, and the criticism to which you subjected yourself on that occasion was a matter of great concern to many of your shipmates…’ He trailed off, watching her expression. ‘You do appear to reacting in a very similar manner to that incident. Is that a correct assumption?’
‘Very similar,’ Tasha repeated, softly. ‘Do you remember what I said to you back then?’
‘Of course. But it was a time of great distress to you, and you have asserted since that you did not entirely mean much of what you stated.’
‘People change, Data. We evolve. Our needs evolve.’ Tasha drew to a halt and faced him, crossing her arms involuntarily. ‘For a while, I thought I could be the perfect woman for you; that I was unique. Jenna needed to be loved. So does Deanna, and Beverly… even Ro Laren, though I bet she wouldn’t admit it. I thought I was one of the only women on this ship who could be perfectly satisfied with all the many things you could offer her, and not get hung up about the lack of sentiment – the lack of love. Turkana leaves a person all knotted up inside. You don’t just learn to live without love; you learn to avoid it – to mistrust it. It makes you too vulnerable. Sometimes I’d make a play for guys I thought were cute, pretend falling in love was an option - just so I could feel normal. That was what the whole Rocco thing was about, really – seeming normal. But people who crawl out from underneath Turkana City aren’t normal, you see? They’re the sort of people who could be abducted by some misogynistic thug, kept as a courtesan-in-waiting and forced to fight his wife to the death for the privilege, and actually be a little flattered by the attention. They’re the sort of person who’ll practically jump one of her fellow officers when they’re only a couple of weeks out of the space dock, get her kicks and then expect him to act as though nothing happened. They’re the sort of person who would deliberately go for a man she knows she can’t hurt, and then see that as an excuse to treat him like crap. People like me. People like the person I used to be.’
‘I suspect that the last two examples you used, while deliberately vague, were in fact references to your early relationship with me,’ Data interjected. ‘However I must stress that I do not share your perception concerning those events…’
‘That doesn’t matter any more,’ Tasha added. ‘What I’m trying to tell you is, all that’s changed.’
‘For the better…?’
Tasha took in a deep breath. ‘I’ve done something very foolish, Data.’
‘Being?’
‘I’m afraid I’ve fallen in love with you.’
There was an overlong pause.
‘I advised you not to do that.’
‘Yes. I know.’ She smiled, mirthlessly. ‘Couldn’t be helped. I’d never done it before, I wasn’t aware of the danger signs to look out for.’
‘You have always been aware that I cannot love you in return.’
‘I know that, too.’ She held her tight smile, willing her face not to crumple into tears. ‘I was so determined not to let what you are get between us… so determined not to screw up…’
‘You say that the development of your feelings were out of your control,’ Data reasoned. ‘Indeed, although I have never experienced emotional responses of my own, from what I have noted of human behaviour, strong feelings are often irrational and difficult to repress or alter. Therefore, you should not view this as a failing on your part.’ He paused. ‘It is, however, potentially problematic.’
‘Only “potentially”?’
‘I am willing on my part to continue the relationship as before,’ Data explained. ‘I can continue to cater to your social, romantic and sexual needs. I can even return your sentiments of love, if you so wish.’
‘But you wouldn’t mean it.’
The android nodded, smoothly. ‘That is correct. However, I can alter my programming to be able to speak falsehoods, providing it is beneficial to the situation in question for me to do so, such as when I am acting.’
‘More play-acting,’ sighed Tasha. She shook her head. ‘I can’t pretend to be loved by you any more. I’m sorry. I guess it turns out that I’m just like everybody else, after all. I need to be loved, too. Not so unique after all.’
‘You are unique…’
Tasha waited for Data to explain what he had meant, or at least, finish his sentence, but he didn’t. Perhaps this was one of those “play-acting lies” he had just mentioned.
After another pause, Data spoke again.
‘You wish to terminate this relationship?’
‘I think so,’ nodded Tasha, sadly. ‘Are… are you OK with that?’
‘I shall do whatever it is that you wish to do.’
‘Isn’t that always the way?’ Tasha asked. ‘I wish… just once, I wish maybe I could have done something for you…’
‘You auditioned for the play with me,’ Data reminded her, ‘despite your protestation that you had no want to be involved in the production.’
‘I guess,’ Tasha conceded. ‘Not that it got us anywhere.’
There was another pause. Tasha sniffed a couple of times.
‘Is any of this going to affect you?’ she whispered. ‘At all?’
‘It is likely to affect our relationship,’ Data replied, ‘therefore, it shall also affect me. Besides which, during our courtship, I have been given considerable experience and insight into maintaining a monogamous relationship, for which I thank you.’
‘You’re thanking me?’ Tasha sniffed again. ‘But you’re not miserable, or hurt, or embarrassed, or angry…?’
‘No.’ Data gave her a slight frown. ‘I do not understand, Tasha. Do you wish that I did feel those emotions? Are those not all negative responses – unpleasant, even?’
‘Data…’ She finally lost the battle against the tears. ‘This is breaking my heart. And you’re fine, aren’t you? You’re… just completely fine.’
The android stared at her for a moment, with that same faintly aged and sad expression he had worn the day his daughter had died.
‘There is now only 20 minutes time remaining until you are due for debriefing with Captain Jellico,’ he told her after a brief silence. ‘Perhaps, given the circumstances, I should take leave of your company until then. However, I must remind you that you are under doctor’s orders to eat, and to rest as much as your duties will allow.’
Tasha nodded a silent agreement, pushing back her tears as she concentrated on the floor.
‘Very well.’ Data turned to leave.
‘See you in twenty minutes,’ she murmured.
Data stopped for a second. ‘Nineteen now, Commander.’
And then, he briskly walked away.
-x-
The doors to the empty Turbolift opened. Jean Luc Picard stepped inside, and took a deep, calm breath. He had missed the smell of the Enterprise. It had suddenly struck him, the first night he had spent in Gul Mudrad’s “interrogation”, that he might never inhale the Enterprise’s air ever again. That thought had hit him with a surprising level of regret and sorrow. It was good to be back – good to be able to normalise his life once more, and to tread the road to recovery… again.
The Turbolift stopped and the doors opened to where Lieutenant Commander Yar was waiting. She smiled a greeting and joined him for the remainder of the journey to the Bridge.
‘Good to have you back, Sir.’
‘Thank you, Commander,’ he replied. ‘And I don’t believe that I’ve personally thanked you yet for your part in the negotiations for my release.’
‘I don’t deserve any praise,’ Tasha told him, with no hint of false modesty. ‘It was Will who really lay his ass on the line…’ she stopped herself. ‘Pardon my language.’
‘I’ve heard worse,’ Picard grinned. ‘Often, from you yourself.’
Tasha gave a small, self-deprecating giggle then paused, her expression growing more serious. ‘I’ve heard about the sort of things Cardassians do to their prisoners. Are you… are you going to be OK?’
Picard took another deep breath of the Enterprise’s sweet air. ‘The Borg set the benchmark fairly high when it comes to treatment of those they’ve taken.’
‘Compared to those one-eyed bastards, the Cardies were like a stroll in the arboretum, right?’ Tasha grinned.
‘Hardly,’ replied the Captain with an element of irritation to his tone that he was sure by now Yar would know was entirely affected. Still, he didn’t particularly want to talk about his detainment by either the Cardassians or the Borg any more, so he decided to change the subject.
‘I was looking forward to watching you in Beverly’s musical,’ he told the Lieutenant Commander, ‘but I understand she’s cancelled it. Most unlike her.’
‘Understandable, under the circumstances,’ Tasha replied. ‘It was a shambles.’
Picard nodded. ‘Sometimes, I suppose it’s better to cut one’s losses rather than doggedly pursue a lost cause.’
‘She’s started work on a smaller project now,’ added Tasha. ‘She’s got Will and Data doing this psychological thriller…’
‘Oh?’ Picard frowned. ‘I’d have thought you and Data would have taken advantage of the show being cancelled to opt out of any further artistic commitments for a while.’
Tasha cast her gaze down to her shoes for a moment. ‘How Data chooses to spend his free time is none of my concern these days.’
‘Ah.’ Now it was Picard’s turn to glance away. ‘I see. I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be,’ Tasha replied. ‘There was no acrimony. Nothing’ll spill over into our duties.’
‘It never crossed my mind that it might.’
‘It was for the best,’ Tasha added. ‘Less a failed experiment than an experiment aborted due to safety concerns, if you get my drift.’
‘I understand.’ Picard twisted his lip. ‘I think.’
The Turbolift finally halted and opened up to the Bridge. Just before he stepped off the elevator, Tasha caught his eye and flashed him a small, sad smile.
‘His being programmed never to feel fondness would be easier to live with,’ she muttered, just within his earshot, ‘if only he hadn’t been built to be so damned loveable.’
He checked over his shoulder as he took his place in the Captain’s chair. Tasha crossed paths with Data without so much as meeting his eye, and readied herself at her own station.
He breathed in deeply again. Just another day exploring uncharted space in a starship the size of a city, with his best friend’s widow; an Empath and her Jazz-enthusiast ex-lover; a moody Klingon; a blind, fast talking Engineer; an android with a 500 year old head and a woman who had cheated death via an alter-ego from a parallel dimension and who was now in unrequited love for said android.
Business as usual.
ROLLERCOASTER
-x-
The Best Intentions
-x-
Two
-x-
Thud. Thud. Thud.
Her feet pounded the running machine’s conveyor track with a soothing cadence. All the sounds of the gym melted away until she was left with only two bass rhythms – that of her feet, and of her fast, regular pulse racing through her ears. She concentrated her vision on her stats on the monitor in front of her – speed, heart rate, distance covered.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
Her mind became completely clear for the first time in some while. She focussed entirely on the mission ahead, her thoughts growing objective and calm as she ran.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
‘Tasha.’
A pale, cool hand fell on her arm. She stumbled a little, and looked across at him, her eyes taking a moment to refocus on his face. The noises of the gym and the ship returned to her, as did the hundreds of whispering thoughts muddying her mind.
‘Hi, Data.’
She slowed her pace slightly so that she could spare the breath for a conversation, and continued running as he addressed her.
‘Were you aware that Dr Crusher has indefinitely postponed the production?’
‘Little Shop?’ Tasha clarified. ‘Yeah, I heard about that.’
‘All rehearsals have been cancelled for the foreseeable future.’
‘It wasn’t exactly coming together well, was it?’
‘Even so,’ Data replied, ‘it is out of character for her to abandon a performance…’
‘Well,’ Tasha mumbled, ‘she doesn’t exactly have much of a choice. Something’s come up. She’s gonna be indisposed for a while.’
‘I see.’ Data paused. ‘Since rehearsals have been cancelled, considerably clearing our social schedules, I came to ask if you would enjoy an hour on the Holodeck this evening.’
Tasha slowed further and stared at him with a mocking smile. ‘Am I hearing this right? You’re actually taking the initiative and arranging a date? You actually want to spend some time alone with me?’
‘Not as such,’ Data replied, flatly. ‘However, I was under the impression that you wanted us to spend more time alone together than we had been, and since you appear to have enjoyed the Holodeck in the past…’
Tasha shook her head, turning back to the monitor screen ahead of her. ‘Always about what I want with you, isn’t it?’
‘Is that a problem, Tasha?’
‘I suppose not.’ Tasha frowned. ‘Not that it matters now, anyway. I’m afraid I’m going to be indisposed for the time being as well.’
‘For the same reasons as Dr Crusher?’
‘Pretty much.’
‘I see.’
There was a pause as Tasha continued to run.
‘You’re not gonna ask why?’ Tasha added, suddenly, ‘or for how long? Or if it’s safe?’
‘I assumed that that information would be confidential,’ Data replied, ‘otherwise you would have already shared it with me.’
‘That’s not the point,’ Tasha retorted. ‘It’d just be nice to know you cared.’
‘Very well,’ conceded Data. ‘Why are you indisposed? For how long? Will your safety be assured until then?’
‘I can’t tell you,’ Tasha muttered. ‘It’s classified.’ She cast a glance at the now utterly confused android. ‘There, now. Was that so difficult?’
Data darted a bewildered gaze about himself, as though he needed somebody to translate what she was saying into something he could understand.
‘Sorry,’ she grunted, focussing once more on her jog. ‘Ignore me.’
Data nodded, with a hint of relief. ‘Very well.’ He turned to go.
‘Now’s just not a good time for me,’ she added.
‘I see. Perhaps you can inform me when it is “a good time for you”.’
‘Who knows when that’ll be,’ she replied.
There was no response. After a few seconds she looked back across at him.
He wasn’t there. She craned her neck around a little further just in time to see him placidly stepping out of the gym. She had told him to ignore her and so that was what he had done. As simple as that. No pushing her for details, no asking her if she was OK. Not even a recrimination for being so stubbornly oblique. He wasn’t going to worry about her while she was away on her mission, she conceded. And if she never came back from it, he wouldn’t cry for her. He’d just carry on. She wasn’t even sure whether he’d so much as miss her. She increased the speed of the machine and scowled as she ran.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
And if anything were to happen to him, how would she feel? She would be devastated. She’d thought she’d lost him in the past, and she’d damn near gone to pieces.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
You get too close and you end up getting hurt. That was the lesson her early life had painfully taught her. And look what she was doing now – getting too close, much too close, to a man who would never, could never have feelings for her.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
In a way, she’d almost miss those rehearsals, since when they were acting he at least pretended to be in love with her…
Shit.
There was that goddammed word.
She didn’t have time to think about that right now. She had a dangerous, vital mission ahead of her. She was supposed to be concentrating on that.
Maybe a good, long run would clear her head again.
Yes. Perhaps that was all she really needed.
Speed. Heart rate. Distance covered.
Speed.
Love…
Heart rate.
That is what you feel, though, isn’t it?
Distance…
Ah, crap.
…covered.
-x-
‘You’re going to be OK.’
The flat joylessness of Beverly Crusher’s voice mirrored the way Tasha felt.
The Doctor checked over Tasha’s arm one last time. ‘How does it feel?’
‘Numb,’ replied Tasha, a world away.
Crusher frowned. ‘You’ve lost feeling in it?’
Tasha shook her head. ‘I mean, it feels normal. Doesn’t hurt any more. Thanks, Beverly.’
She didn’t usually refer to Dr Crusher by her first name. Something about the experience they had shared – the experience they were continuing to share – made her feel that perhaps she should.
Crusher leaned back and regarded Tasha, seriously. ‘You mustn’t blame yourself for what happened, Tasha.’
‘I was there for his protection,’ Tasha breathed. ‘I didn’t exactly do a very good job of it.’
‘Isn’t that exactly what you said when the Borg had snatched him from the Bridge?’
‘Precisely,’ Tasha retorted, bitterly. ‘I failed him back then, too.’
‘I’m positive we were all drawn into a trap…’
‘…Which I should have spotted before it was too late!’
‘So should I,’ argued the Doctor. ‘So should Jean Luc.’
‘Don’t…’ Tasha warned, softly.
‘And so should Starfleet Command, before we were even so much as sent there,’ Crusher persisted. ‘It isn’t fair on yourself to take sole responsibility for the Captain’s capture.’ She put a hand on Tasha’s shoulder. ‘If it hadn’t been for you, Tasha, I wouldn’t have got away either. How you fought your way out with an injured arm is beyond me. You showed extraordinary fortitude.’
‘Please don’t patronise me, Beverly.’
Crusher pressed her lips together. ‘It’s not your fault.’
‘I’ll be the judge of that.’ Tasha sighed deeply. She knew she was being unfair. ‘We’ll get him back. We’ll do whatever it takes.’
Crusher cast her eyes down. ‘Not if our new Captain has anything to do with it. Jellico’s already given Jean Luc up for dead.’
‘He isn’t dead,’ Tasha asserted. ‘The Cardassians wouldn’t execute somebody as important as him. They’ll be keeping him alive.’
‘Somehow,’ replied the Doctor, ‘that isn’t making me feel much better.’
‘Sorry.’ Tasha paused, sadly. ‘I know you’re very close to him.’
‘And I know you’re very protective of him.’
‘He’s my Captain,’ Tasha shrugged. ‘I’m Chief of Security… it’s sorta part of the job description to be protective. We will get him back.’
‘Tasha,’ interrupted a calm voice from the doorway. ‘Dr Crusher. Welcome back on board.’
Tasha looked across at Data. The boyfriend who had not seen her or known where she was for days, who had heard second hand that she had been injured and their Captain captured in a failed undercover mission, gave her no more by way of a greeting than a courteous nod.
‘How is your arm?’
Well, Tasha conceded, at least he appeared to care about that.
‘It’ll be fine,’ she told him.
Data nodded again. ‘Would you care to accompany me to Ten Forward now?’
‘I don’t think now’s the time, Data,’ she replied with a confused frown. ‘We’re due for debriefing in thirty minutes.’
‘I am aware of that,’ Data retorted. ‘And that event will be in thirty-four minutes.’
‘It still isn’t a lot of time for a reunion. But it’s very nice to know that you were so anxious to see me.’
‘I am not anxious. I was summoned here.’
Tasha blinked. ‘What?’
‘You’re mentally and physically exhausted,’ Crusher announced, ‘not to mention, famished. I’ve put Data under the orders I’d give any spouse or partner of somebody in your situation – to make sure you spend every available moment resting, and getting plenty to eat.’
‘You will have time before your debriefing to consume a light meal,’ added Data. ‘I assumed that you would prefer to do so in Ten Forward, although we could just as easily retire to your quarters.’
‘You came to see me because you were told to,’ concluded Tasha, faintly.
Dr Crusher started putting her instruments away. ‘I’ll see you both at the debriefing. If you two don’t mind, I’d like to spend the next half an hour alone with a cup of tea and my thoughts.’
Data stopped her. ‘If you do not mind my asking, Doctor, are the rehearsals to re-commence at any point in the near future?’
‘Rehearsals?’ Beverly echoed.
‘Yes. For the musical.’
Crusher gazed blankly at him. ‘Data, I cancelled that before we left.’
‘On the contrary, Doctor. You postponed the play, apparently for the duration of your mission. Now that you have returned, is it to continue?’
The Doctor continued to give him an empty, bewildered stare. ‘No. I… I don’t think so. Data, that’s the last thing on my mind right now.’
‘So, it is cancelled?’
‘Probably. Yes.’
Data nodded. ‘That is probably for the best. Many of the musical numbers were still poorly presented, and there were issues with blocking from the outset.’
‘Yes,’ sighed Beverly, wearily. ‘So you told me at the time. Repeatedly.’
‘Besides,’ Data continued, ‘even though the production had a reasonably simple plot, I felt that there was still much that I failed to comprehend about my character’s motives.’
Beverly snorted a small, tired laugh. ‘Seymour Krelbourne’s hardly an enigma, Data. What could you have possibly had trouble understanding?’
‘He spends practically all of the play concerning himself with his survival, as well as his social and economic improvement,’ Data replied, ‘and yet, the instant that Audrey is devoured by the plant, he willingly throws himself in after her. Why would he sacrifice his life for a woman who has no hope of escaping death?’
Beverly stared sadly at him. ‘Because he loves her, Data.’
The android pondered this for a moment. ‘Oh.’
There was something about that ‘Oh’ which hit Tasha with a sudden wall of unhappy clarity. She took a deep breath in, then exhaled slowly. She knew that this would, technically, be easy - which, conversely, actually made it all the more painful for her to do.
‘We’ll leave you in peace, Doctor,’ she murmured.
‘See you in half an hour,’ Crusher replied.
Data took her arm. ‘Shall we walk to Ten Forward?’
‘Yes,’ Tasha replied, quietly. ‘Why not?’
They walked in silence for a moment or two.
‘I trust that you are not laying the blame for Captain Picard’s capture solely upon yourself,’ Data announced, suddenly. ‘I am aware that this situation has similarities to the Borg’s abduction of the Captain, and the criticism to which you subjected yourself on that occasion was a matter of great concern to many of your shipmates…’ He trailed off, watching her expression. ‘You do appear to reacting in a very similar manner to that incident. Is that a correct assumption?’
‘Very similar,’ Tasha repeated, softly. ‘Do you remember what I said to you back then?’
‘Of course. But it was a time of great distress to you, and you have asserted since that you did not entirely mean much of what you stated.’
‘People change, Data. We evolve. Our needs evolve.’ Tasha drew to a halt and faced him, crossing her arms involuntarily. ‘For a while, I thought I could be the perfect woman for you; that I was unique. Jenna needed to be loved. So does Deanna, and Beverly… even Ro Laren, though I bet she wouldn’t admit it. I thought I was one of the only women on this ship who could be perfectly satisfied with all the many things you could offer her, and not get hung up about the lack of sentiment – the lack of love. Turkana leaves a person all knotted up inside. You don’t just learn to live without love; you learn to avoid it – to mistrust it. It makes you too vulnerable. Sometimes I’d make a play for guys I thought were cute, pretend falling in love was an option - just so I could feel normal. That was what the whole Rocco thing was about, really – seeming normal. But people who crawl out from underneath Turkana City aren’t normal, you see? They’re the sort of people who could be abducted by some misogynistic thug, kept as a courtesan-in-waiting and forced to fight his wife to the death for the privilege, and actually be a little flattered by the attention. They’re the sort of person who’ll practically jump one of her fellow officers when they’re only a couple of weeks out of the space dock, get her kicks and then expect him to act as though nothing happened. They’re the sort of person who would deliberately go for a man she knows she can’t hurt, and then see that as an excuse to treat him like crap. People like me. People like the person I used to be.’
‘I suspect that the last two examples you used, while deliberately vague, were in fact references to your early relationship with me,’ Data interjected. ‘However I must stress that I do not share your perception concerning those events…’
‘That doesn’t matter any more,’ Tasha added. ‘What I’m trying to tell you is, all that’s changed.’
‘For the better…?’
Tasha took in a deep breath. ‘I’ve done something very foolish, Data.’
‘Being?’
‘I’m afraid I’ve fallen in love with you.’
There was an overlong pause.
‘I advised you not to do that.’
‘Yes. I know.’ She smiled, mirthlessly. ‘Couldn’t be helped. I’d never done it before, I wasn’t aware of the danger signs to look out for.’
‘You have always been aware that I cannot love you in return.’
‘I know that, too.’ She held her tight smile, willing her face not to crumple into tears. ‘I was so determined not to let what you are get between us… so determined not to screw up…’
‘You say that the development of your feelings were out of your control,’ Data reasoned. ‘Indeed, although I have never experienced emotional responses of my own, from what I have noted of human behaviour, strong feelings are often irrational and difficult to repress or alter. Therefore, you should not view this as a failing on your part.’ He paused. ‘It is, however, potentially problematic.’
‘Only “potentially”?’
‘I am willing on my part to continue the relationship as before,’ Data explained. ‘I can continue to cater to your social, romantic and sexual needs. I can even return your sentiments of love, if you so wish.’
‘But you wouldn’t mean it.’
The android nodded, smoothly. ‘That is correct. However, I can alter my programming to be able to speak falsehoods, providing it is beneficial to the situation in question for me to do so, such as when I am acting.’
‘More play-acting,’ sighed Tasha. She shook her head. ‘I can’t pretend to be loved by you any more. I’m sorry. I guess it turns out that I’m just like everybody else, after all. I need to be loved, too. Not so unique after all.’
‘You are unique…’
Tasha waited for Data to explain what he had meant, or at least, finish his sentence, but he didn’t. Perhaps this was one of those “play-acting lies” he had just mentioned.
After another pause, Data spoke again.
‘You wish to terminate this relationship?’
‘I think so,’ nodded Tasha, sadly. ‘Are… are you OK with that?’
‘I shall do whatever it is that you wish to do.’
‘Isn’t that always the way?’ Tasha asked. ‘I wish… just once, I wish maybe I could have done something for you…’
‘You auditioned for the play with me,’ Data reminded her, ‘despite your protestation that you had no want to be involved in the production.’
‘I guess,’ Tasha conceded. ‘Not that it got us anywhere.’
There was another pause. Tasha sniffed a couple of times.
‘Is any of this going to affect you?’ she whispered. ‘At all?’
‘It is likely to affect our relationship,’ Data replied, ‘therefore, it shall also affect me. Besides which, during our courtship, I have been given considerable experience and insight into maintaining a monogamous relationship, for which I thank you.’
‘You’re thanking me?’ Tasha sniffed again. ‘But you’re not miserable, or hurt, or embarrassed, or angry…?’
‘No.’ Data gave her a slight frown. ‘I do not understand, Tasha. Do you wish that I did feel those emotions? Are those not all negative responses – unpleasant, even?’
‘Data…’ She finally lost the battle against the tears. ‘This is breaking my heart. And you’re fine, aren’t you? You’re… just completely fine.’
The android stared at her for a moment, with that same faintly aged and sad expression he had worn the day his daughter had died.
‘There is now only 20 minutes time remaining until you are due for debriefing with Captain Jellico,’ he told her after a brief silence. ‘Perhaps, given the circumstances, I should take leave of your company until then. However, I must remind you that you are under doctor’s orders to eat, and to rest as much as your duties will allow.’
Tasha nodded a silent agreement, pushing back her tears as she concentrated on the floor.
‘Very well.’ Data turned to leave.
‘See you in twenty minutes,’ she murmured.
Data stopped for a second. ‘Nineteen now, Commander.’
And then, he briskly walked away.
-x-
The doors to the empty Turbolift opened. Jean Luc Picard stepped inside, and took a deep, calm breath. He had missed the smell of the Enterprise. It had suddenly struck him, the first night he had spent in Gul Mudrad’s “interrogation”, that he might never inhale the Enterprise’s air ever again. That thought had hit him with a surprising level of regret and sorrow. It was good to be back – good to be able to normalise his life once more, and to tread the road to recovery… again.
The Turbolift stopped and the doors opened to where Lieutenant Commander Yar was waiting. She smiled a greeting and joined him for the remainder of the journey to the Bridge.
‘Good to have you back, Sir.’
‘Thank you, Commander,’ he replied. ‘And I don’t believe that I’ve personally thanked you yet for your part in the negotiations for my release.’
‘I don’t deserve any praise,’ Tasha told him, with no hint of false modesty. ‘It was Will who really lay his ass on the line…’ she stopped herself. ‘Pardon my language.’
‘I’ve heard worse,’ Picard grinned. ‘Often, from you yourself.’
Tasha gave a small, self-deprecating giggle then paused, her expression growing more serious. ‘I’ve heard about the sort of things Cardassians do to their prisoners. Are you… are you going to be OK?’
Picard took another deep breath of the Enterprise’s sweet air. ‘The Borg set the benchmark fairly high when it comes to treatment of those they’ve taken.’
‘Compared to those one-eyed bastards, the Cardies were like a stroll in the arboretum, right?’ Tasha grinned.
‘Hardly,’ replied the Captain with an element of irritation to his tone that he was sure by now Yar would know was entirely affected. Still, he didn’t particularly want to talk about his detainment by either the Cardassians or the Borg any more, so he decided to change the subject.
‘I was looking forward to watching you in Beverly’s musical,’ he told the Lieutenant Commander, ‘but I understand she’s cancelled it. Most unlike her.’
‘Understandable, under the circumstances,’ Tasha replied. ‘It was a shambles.’
Picard nodded. ‘Sometimes, I suppose it’s better to cut one’s losses rather than doggedly pursue a lost cause.’
‘She’s started work on a smaller project now,’ added Tasha. ‘She’s got Will and Data doing this psychological thriller…’
‘Oh?’ Picard frowned. ‘I’d have thought you and Data would have taken advantage of the show being cancelled to opt out of any further artistic commitments for a while.’
Tasha cast her gaze down to her shoes for a moment. ‘How Data chooses to spend his free time is none of my concern these days.’
‘Ah.’ Now it was Picard’s turn to glance away. ‘I see. I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be,’ Tasha replied. ‘There was no acrimony. Nothing’ll spill over into our duties.’
‘It never crossed my mind that it might.’
‘It was for the best,’ Tasha added. ‘Less a failed experiment than an experiment aborted due to safety concerns, if you get my drift.’
‘I understand.’ Picard twisted his lip. ‘I think.’
The Turbolift finally halted and opened up to the Bridge. Just before he stepped off the elevator, Tasha caught his eye and flashed him a small, sad smile.
‘His being programmed never to feel fondness would be easier to live with,’ she muttered, just within his earshot, ‘if only he hadn’t been built to be so damned loveable.’
He checked over his shoulder as he took his place in the Captain’s chair. Tasha crossed paths with Data without so much as meeting his eye, and readied herself at her own station.
He breathed in deeply again. Just another day exploring uncharted space in a starship the size of a city, with his best friend’s widow; an Empath and her Jazz-enthusiast ex-lover; a moody Klingon; a blind, fast talking Engineer; an android with a 500 year old head and a woman who had cheated death via an alter-ego from a parallel dimension and who was now in unrequited love for said android.
Business as usual.
