r_scribbles: (Thundercats Cheetara)
A while ago, I annoyed a friend by making a sweeping statement with regards to my perception of the general intelligence levels of Youtube users. Like the vast majority of my sweeping statements, it was meant largely in jest. Youtube’s become a part of online life – I use it myself, many times a day, for clips & cartoons to amuse the wee ones and for when I want to share or listen to a song once Spotify’s decided that I’ve had my allocated 9 minutes of music and can never be allowed any more, ever.

Therefore, I retract the comment, made as a reaction to The Only Way Is Essex being awarded the Youtube ZOMG best show ever lol!!!! Bafta (my expression was much the same as Martin Freeman’s)

and offer the following, revised sweeping statement: Between 70- 90% of Youtube comments cheerfully exhibit such a dearth of intelligence, humour, originality, imagination and basic literacy that it makes me wish the internet would become self-aware, read itself and then duly destroy the world in disgust.

Obviously, I could say this of pretty much any much-used site where we troglodytes are encouraged to tell the universe what we reckon – Facebook, Have Your Fucking Say, Comment Is Cunting Free, even my darling shiny, shiny Twitter. My own timeline on twitter is filled with nice or funny people (sometimes even both) tweeting clever, amusing stuff, links that have yet to get tired out, puns that have yet to be ripped off by Cheggers, comments on the news, films or literature, interesting political arguments and so on and so forth. But I am aware that this is only because I’m an elitist twat on twitter and fill my timeline only with people who are going to dance for me, dance like the merry jesters that they are. A quick glance at the Trending Topics list gives a horrible glimpse of the misogynistic, irony-free, mouth-frothing, bieber-bothering dimwittery outside my liberal comedy snob bubble. You always know if there’s been a disaster elsewhere in the world if you go onto Twitter and see a hashtag telling you to pray for somewhere. Calls for rather more practical help tend not to make it into the top 10 trends, especially if Justin Bieber’s just done something/said something/has a lovely smile, or if everybody’s replacing words in film titles (usually the same words in the same 3 Harry Potter films titles) with the word ‘bacon’. With Hilarious Consequences. My favourite Trending Topic phenomenon is the ‘OMG why is this trending?’ Loop, when something obscure or in poor taste trends for a bit, so instead of looking it up if they don’t understand or ignoring/quietly snarking if they don’t approve, twits in their hundreds tweet either ‘LOL “Obscure Thing” is trending! WTF?!?’ or ‘OMG I can’t believe “Offensive Thing” is trending! That’s so offensive!!!’ so, the thing rises up and up the trending topics, and then stays there, held aloft by people tweeting that either they don’t understand what it is or that they didn’t want to see it trend in the first place. Genius.

Getting back to the Youtubes. What’s sparked my most recent despair in the keyboard mashings of the people who like to watch clips with their eyes, form one or more opinion that may or may not have something to do with what they’ve seen and then let everybody else wanting to watch the clip know what it is that they reckon about this thing, is my recent jaunt down the Memory Lane branch of the Information Superhighway.

And, to be fair, Youtube is brilliant for that. Pretty much every thing that you might remember is on Youtube, now. You don’t need a long term memory for telly stuff at all now that we’ve got it. Youtube might also be why we don’t really have nostalgia countdown shows any more. Thank fuck. We can just get in to the Youtube Link Loop going ‘coo, remember that?’ to yourself without Justin Lee Collins barking ‘remember that, eh? Remember the thing? The thing that was on the telly? Remember that happening?’ at you every five minutes.

Because we don’t need Justin Lee Collins to go ‘remember the thing? I remember the thing’ at us now – we have our fellow Youtube users. I mean – I imagine that for somebody to search Samurai Pizza Cats, say, they have to remember the cartoon at least a little (or as in my case yesterday, have the theme tune stuck in my head with ‘Benedict Cumberbatch’ sung over the name of the titular feline heroes for no apparent reason) so I don’t quite see the need that every other commenter on an old tv show clip feels to tell us that they too remember it. I wouldn’t mind so much, but it’s always bloody there, on anything more than a year or two old, over and over and over again. ‘lol I remember this’. It’s not the obviousness of the statement that gets me down quite as much as the repetitiveness.

Because, you see, there’s only ever 5 comment types on any nostalgic clip.

1, lol I remember this. Possibly followed by I remember watching it back in [insert decade here] or I am now [insert age here] To which, my Inner Spock quirks an eyebrow and responds with a deadpan ‘fascinating’.

2, BRING THIS BACK! - No need. It’s on Youtube, or possibly even DVD if you’re lucky. Let’s face it, you’d only complain if it got remade.

3, This is so much better than the crap they make for kids these days No it isn’t. There was some great stuff when I was a kid, and some real shit as well. My kids get sheer brilliance like Shaun the Sheep and Octonauts as well as bollocks like Grandpa in the Pocket (which they’re not allowed to watch because it creeps me out). If you think all kid’s TV these days is rubbish, either you don’t have kids or you only put on bollocks telly for them, and what kind of parent does that make you, eh? EH?!?!?

4, lol WTF is this?!? Read the info, douchecanoe – or at the very least, the title. Unless you’re such an exhibitionist that you feel the need to tell everybody that you don’t instantly recognise something you’ve apparently clicked on as an automatic reflex, apparently can’t read and certainly can’t use Google to find out what ‘the fuck’ this, in fact, is. Sorry, that was silly of me. Please, do go on to BBC HYS, wait for the obituary of a notable figure that you don’t recognise straight away and rush to be the first to comment with ‘Who?’

5, lol their on drugs!!!!! This is a must, especially for any pre-school show, retro or modern, anything with bright colours, anything carefully aimed at entertaining babies (especially by the brilliant Anne & Chris Wood), anything with props or involving falling over, anything with songs, anything with West Indian accents, because all Jamaicans are on drugs, basically anything that involves any level of whimsy. The only possible explanation for any of it is – not that these programmes are/were made by people who understand how to delight small children, but that they were all on drugs. All the time. I mean, stuff like stop motion is obviously a piece of piss when you’re off your tits on acid, isn’t it? As is dancing and interacting with your environment while in a massive padded costume that you can’t see out of. They’re obviously on drugs. That, or the commenter wants to show how counter-culture and edgy they are by announcing that ‘lol there on drugz!!’, which would be rather more impressive had somebody else not done exactly the same thing a few comments before. And three other people on a different clip. And four other people on a further clip. And so on.

As you can see, it’s not the fact that these comments are generally poppycock that grates so much as the repetitiveness of the same old poppycock. Let’s try to resolve this. I’d like to see people take the time to post their thoughts in haiku or limerick form, just to break up the monotony a bit. Come on, it’ll be fun!

In The Night Garden:
Not as good as Dangermouse.
Their all on drugs lol.
r_scribbles: (Lynda - eye)
Dear Anonymous Dog Walker

I feel your pain. Really, I do. It must be just awful owning a dog and yet being simply too precious and important to pick up after it. I can only assume that this is why, when your mutt laid a giant bum-egg right in the middle of my doorway this morning you weren't able to get rid of it. How terrible for you to be so incapacitated by your pet's shit that you can't even remove it from front step of a complete stranger, so completely in the way of said stranger's pathway into and out of her home that she must carefully navigate her baby's buggy around it and lean over it in order to lock and unlock the door.

I can't tell you how delighted I was to face a change from cleaning up my baby's poo and handle your mystery pooch's giant, mystery poo instead so that I can leave my house this afternoon without falling into the supersized turd.

I hope that your house gets pelted with manure tonight.

In fact, no, I hope that Sir Poopsalot goes crazy, rips your face off and then leaps into a nearby sewage works, taking your faceless, twitching body with it.

Muchos Gracias,

Scriblit xxx
r_scribbles: (Al - 'calm')
Oh God.

Violet, Sis and I have had our first encounter with an Obnoxious Parent. We went to playgym this morning... now I'm actually a little too cautious when it comes to Vi playing. I try to follow the other mums' leads and take a step back to let her play a little free-er, but I'm often to be found hovering around her, especially when she decides she wants a go on the trikes. She still just likes to push them around, and is often quite interested in trikes other kiddies are already riding. She's had fun in the past pushing older kids on their trikes/pushcars for a couple of minutes, half the time the toddlers think Vi wants to push them off and ride the trike herself, and tell her to go away, or try to push her away, in which case i swiftly intervene, take her away from the other kid and find a trike nobody's using for her to play with. After a wee while with the trikes today I tried to lead her off somewhere else but she decided she wanted to go back for a second go... went to the nearest trike that a girl of about 2 was standing next to, contemplating getting on. Vi put her hands on the trike and the kid grabbed Vi. I thought the kid was getting annoyed, but then she seemed quite happy, calling 'baby, baby...' The kid's mother (I assume) then pulls Violet's hands off the trike. I was a bit taken aback, to be honest, too surprised to say anything. The woman then swiftly scooped the child up and went somewhere else so the moment had passed anyway. I was about to make a comment to Sis that 'apparently the trike had that kid's name on it' when Sis (who had been closer) told me that apparently this Bitch had told her to 'keep that baby out of the way'. Fucking Whore! Is it her kid's fucking gym? Has she ever heard of sharing? Has she ever heard of fucking PLAYING? God forbid her precious brat be forced to interact with another child in a PUBLIC PLACE! I pity that kid, with such an overbearing, rude, paranoid bitch of a mother, she'll probably grow up thinking she deserves to have everything she wants right now and that all other human beings are just in her way.

Ugly Cunt of a woman, by the way. Fuck knows how she tricked some thick bloke into slinging his beans up her in the first place, because Christ knows she doesn't have a Lovely Personality to make up for it.

Apart from that, Sis and I have had a lovely day. Vi is doing new stuff all the time at the moment. Did I mention she's walking loads by herself now? And saying 'gone' and doing a cute palms-up shrug when she throws/drops/eats/hides something? She also barks if you ask her what a doggie says and pats her belly if you ask her where her tum-tum is!
r_scribbles: (Princey)
Dear Christ, nothing brings out the misanthrope in you quite like going into town (and into a terribly laid-out, over full Tesco Metro) on a Saturday afternoon.

November 2013

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