'Pam'

So me & a few pals over in Cumberland discovered an old (and very funny) song by Victoria Wood called Pam and decided it was very applicable to Sherlock.

Anyway, I've rewritten it to fit the Cumberverse. Hope you like it!

Can I tell you my moniker?
I’m Sherlock Cecil Danger Asbo Holmes, Esquire.
I don’t like flares or bootcut jeans
I haven’t owned a training shoe since my mid teens.
I don’t drop t’s, I don’t say “oi”,
Had my grammar beat into me when I was a boy
Been decades since I cried real tears,
I bunked with my big brother for eleven years.

At boarding school, my feelings grew
And thanks to youthful hormones, body parts did too
A friend called Victor had my heart
And the previously mentioned swollen body parts
One Easter morn I let him know –
The law said “straight to prison”, but my eyes said “go”.
He invited me to taste his dick
My olfactory system’d had more pleasure being sick.
Sorry, Victor, not for me
Found out a tad too late I don’t like buggery.
I reminded him of his fiancée,
So he punched me in the face and said he wasn’t gay.

Eventually, my heart moved on,
I chummed up with a chappie by the name of John.
He moved in, he seemed quite nice,
Wore army boots and knitwear but I didn’t think twice.
Then one night he seemed upset
I said, are you not happy in my maisonette?
He met me at the swimming pool
And said he’d have to break their strict ‘no bombing’ rule.

I didn’t faint or throw a fit,
As little as I cared for his semtex jacket
I asked to see my enemy –
The lad from Bart’s IT Support who fancied me.
I said, ‘you call this a love note?
‘Putting my best friend in an exploding coat?’
He warned us with a sniper rifle
That he didn’t take our interest as a passing trifle
Sorry Jim, the game is on
And I take exception to the way you’ve dressed up John
John didn’t fuss or flinch or cough
But he cocked an eyebrow when I ripped his Parka off.

A few months past, when feeling low
I went to catch a killer out in Mexico
So much to do there after dark
With a friendly foe I’d once stepped out with at Thorpe Park
It might have been the Daiquiris
But the way she threw a punch seemed to dissolve my knees
We looked like such a happy two
Beating off The Strangler in the ladies’ loo

I told her sex had been a farce
She took it as a challenge and refreshed my glass
And I felt that there was no disgrace
To admit I like both violin and double bass
She said to search for my old watch
Concealed about her person as she approached my crotch
That’s the last I saw of my best pants
And the towel rail in the ensuite never stood a chance
I must admit, that time was fun,
But I knew I’d need a shower of shame once I was done
At last I saw the appeal of curves
Although when we tried it standing up I trapped a nerve
I went Arrrrgggh (that type of sound)

She left me – took my passport too,
But the next time that we met, at least she gave me flu
But, Mycroft noted as he poured my Scotch,
I’ve found that I can love again and found my watch!