OMGWTFSPACESHIPCRASH!!!!
May. 8th, 2009 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
r_scribblesAhhh, just watched Generations for the first time since it was out in the kinoflex. Here is, basically, what happened...
AUDIENCE: LOL Vintage wine from the few-chah!
CHAMPAGNE: *Audable smash in the vacuum of space, somehow.*
SCOTTY: Physics noes-nae work that way, ye silly bottle o'wine.
KIRK: STFU, Captain Awesome is here!
There is some talking, but I'm too distracted by Koeing, Doonan & Shatners' toupees getting a little aggressive round one another and having a rug-off to even notice...
ME: (30 seconds in) OMG The Captain of the Enterprise B is Ferris Bueller's mate!!!
CHEKOV: Blah blah blah something about Wessels.
ME: LOL.
HUBS: Look! It's Vasquez from Aliens!
ME: No it's not.
HUBS: I'm telling you! They've staffed this whole ship with Oh-Look-It's-Wossname-From-That-Thing type people.
ME: She's ginger. Vasquez isn't ginger...
HUMAN!TUVOK: Blah blah something else.
ME & HUBS: Ayyyy!
Shit happens, Roddy McDowell and Guinan turn up, a Kirk-shaped hole gets torn in the ship.
SCOTTY: Och, dearie me, Kirk's dead. I'd better do some heavy drinking so that I think he's still alive come 'Relics'.
ME: The Enterprise B looks like a Japanese toilet. (It does.)
SKIP TO THE FEW-CHAH FEW-CHAH! Holodeck clipper ship, Troi looks Smokin' in breeches, Geordi does weird yodel-thing when Worf gets promoted, Worf does awesome triple-take when plank is dissolved, then runs on the spot in mid-air, pulls a rip-cord releasing an anvil instead of a parachute, holds up a tiny sign saying 'help' and falls into the water. Then Bev is pushed in in glorious slow-mo. Slow-mo is used a Hell of a lot in this movie. Then Picard gets news that his jerkwad brother from Top Secret died horribly and the party's over.
RIKER: Some science station's been attacked.
PICARD: Shutupanddiecan'tyouseeI'mangsting!!!!
There ain't nothin' on the science station except Andie McDowell again, so they bring him aboard so he can loiter in Ten Forward giving Guinan the heebie-jeebies while Geordi and Emotional!Data do some comedy schtick. Then the 24th Century's answer to Laurel & Hardy go to the science station and The Amazing Spinerman tries out some of his 'annoying laugh' repertoire (including, impressively, the full Elaine Paige Seal-honk) until he starts gurning scarily with the help of CGI, making everyone's favourite lovable robot look a little bit like this:
Then Andie McDowell scampers up and punches Geordi in the face. Geordi, being the wussy human punching bag that he's been for the last 7 series, falls into a swoon at the horror of being struck. Seriously - Wesley could beat him in a fight. Data's still too scared by his face having gone all weird and Gollumish to do owt about it, so Roddy sends a rocket to the sun with a giant fire extinguisher inside it and makes off with Geordi while the sun gives up and curls into itself, sending a big wave of wuh-oh towards the science station, which everyone gets the heck out of just in time.
Andie McNabb has escaped with Geordi onto a ship captained by two pairs of tits with Klingons attached to them. I'm still not sure why he ever captures Geordi in the first place, but he keeps our pugialisticly challenged chum naked and sweaty with a leather strap round his throat for some reason. He asks Geordi why he doesn't just get eye implants. Geordi scoffs outwardly at the idea and inwardly kicks himself and makes a mental note to have words with his optician to get his first contacts by First Contact.
Meanwhile, Picard and Data are hanging out with some chick named Stella Cartography, who used to live in a small beige lab with a starry globe in it but has somehow since transformed into Cerebro. I reckon that bird Picard was going out with for a bit put the sweetners on him for a bigger cut of the budget. Anyhoo, Data's all sad about letting Geordi down.
PICARD: How dare you be Emo? I was the one being Emo!
DATA: I can be more Emo than you! I don't want to live any more! I want to sit in my room and listen to My Chemical Romance! Please let me die!
PICARD: Pull your socks up and get over it, robot! Plenty more blind Engineers in the sea! You have to get on with things and cope, you know, just like the way I totally didn't do only 20 minutes ago!
DATA: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAAAAAAAND!!!
PICARD: DO I HAVE TO GET KEYBOARD CAT TO PLAY YOU OFF?!?!
KEYBOARD CAT:
Anyway, McG has enough of Geordi and goes down to another planet to make another sun go kablooey and Picard sort-of swings it with the tittie sisters that they should let him go down too *and* give back Geordi, but ah-ha, the tittie-sisters have a plan! They've put a little camera inside Geordi's Visor! Ooh, it's like Spooks! Only Geordi doesn't go to Engineering for hours and they have to watch him wandering around the ship, ineffectually chatting to girls, doing some male bonding with Data, having a poo and watching three episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond before they see something or other about the Enterprises shields that means they can shoot 'em. They shoot, there's some falling around, some technobabble magic weakens the Tittysisters ship at the last minute and, even though they'd be given chance to back down if this were the TV Series, Riker just barks 'fire' and their titties are blasted to smithereens. And then, because this is a movie, there's something wrong with a warp core or something so they have to evacuate the ugly half of the ship and BLOW IT UP! And then, because it's still a movie, they wind up with a freaking planet in the face!!!
And it's awesome! I'd forgotten how long that bad boy is skidding to a halt for. Everybody falls over at least three times, Worf goes arse-over-tit over the Captain's chair like he always does, Data gets a beam on the head for his trouble and then everybody is chucked at the giant screen. There is not one person aboard the Bridge who doesn't wonder at some point here why the Enterprise isn't fitted with seatbelts.
However, that phenomenal set-piece takes place before the third act. The exciting third act is reserved for omlette making.
See, Picard chucks a pebble at McG but it misses, and while he's trying to climb through a hole in the shoddily-piled rock to retrieve it, Roddy McDowell shoots at him, then sends a rocket up to the sun... which takes two seconds after sailing out of view to reach said destination. Actually, less time than that. It takes two seconds from the rocket disappearing for the light reaching this planet to show the star collapsing. Bearing in mind the fact that our own sun's... what, about 6 light minutes away from us? Just before Scotty can poke his head up to remind us that The Laws of Physics dunnae worrrrk that way, the kablooey catches up with the planet, doing the work of a multitude of Vogon Constructor Ships, killing everybody.
Only, Picard is suddenly in 'Heaven'. Only, for some reason, Heaven to him is a chintzy doily-fest filled with terrifying, ringletted moppets, a carousel in the middle of his bloody living room, paintings of himself in various comedy period outfits and fuckloads of tinsel. Huh. You think you know a Captain. Guinan shows up and tells him none of this is really real, including her. Picard decides that this Heaven really is a bit too toothsome and frilly for him, and that he needs help if he's going to get out. Luckily, Kirk is nearby, where he's been chopping wood for the last 7 decades.
PICARD: Dear Jim, Please, please, please, would you fix it for me to stop Andie McDowell blowing up a star and killing all my friends? Much love, Jean-Luc.
KIRK: Now then, now then, just wait a minute while I cook this omlette...
AUDIENCE: We are watching two men cook an omlette. Is this... is this right? Have we all suddenly tuned in to Big Cook Little Cook by mistake?
KIRK: Right, I've decided you can fuck off and die. I'm going into my bedroom to propose to my GF.
PICARD: Well then I'm going to follow you around, ruining the mood... *opens 'bedroom' door, steps into stable* Oh. Oh dear. Well, now I can see why you never found the right woman to settle down with.
KIRK: I ran out of human women to shag. And humanoid alien women. It was only once I moved on to horses that I finally discovered what had been missing all my life. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to ride this baby's brain's out!
PICARD: That's gross, but I'm still going to chase after you and ruin the mood.
KIRK: Hey look, on the horizon... it's Trixibelle, my beloved! Only, there's a lady on her back. that's weird. Oh well, better go back to reality, then.
Back ever-so-slightly in the past, Kirk and Picard show up for a three-way old man fight in which two Starship captains only just manage to outfight an aging thesp. Kirk ends up on a bridge that buckles and groans almost as badly as Shatner's corset.
KIRK: If only I were my Official Weight, instead of my Actual Weight...
BRIDGE: I CANNAE TEK IT NAE MAAARRRRR!!!!
*plummet*
Meanwhile, Picard fiddles with the controls so that the rocket blows up in Andie McDowell's face. Andie McDowell struggles to find Worf's 'Help' sign from earlier on before being turned into an attractive crater. And luckily, even though this rocket can destroy a star in microseconds, if you dodge behind a bit of rock from it, you'll be all right. Yay Picard. Kirk has also been shielded from the blast. Unfortunately for him, what was shielding him was the fuckload of steel that was crushing him to death.
ME: LOL, Bridge on the Captain!
PICARD: You'll be fine! We'll all meet up in a bar some day and laugh about this! look, I even found your leg! Everything's going to be great!
KIRK: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my... *is ded*
So Picard just sticks some more pebbles on him. It's what he would have wanted. Merrily, he saunters back to find half his ship exploded and the other half smashed.
PICARD: Dude, what the fuck?
RIKER: I intend to live forever...
PICARD: Jesus, Will. My ship!
RIKER: I hope to sit in that Captain's chair myself someday...
PICARD: Don't count on it, chum. I give you the keys for one day and it's a write-off!
RIKER: Something something about time.
PICARD: I hate you.
*CREDITS*
HUBS: Told you it was Vasquez.
ME: Shut up.
THE END!!!!
AUDIENCE: LOL Vintage wine from the few-chah!
CHAMPAGNE: *Audable smash in the vacuum of space, somehow.*
SCOTTY: Physics noes-nae work that way, ye silly bottle o'wine.
KIRK: STFU, Captain Awesome is here!
There is some talking, but I'm too distracted by Koeing, Doonan & Shatners' toupees getting a little aggressive round one another and having a rug-off to even notice...
ME: (30 seconds in) OMG The Captain of the Enterprise B is Ferris Bueller's mate!!!
CHEKOV: Blah blah blah something about Wessels.
ME: LOL.
HUBS: Look! It's Vasquez from Aliens!
ME: No it's not.
HUBS: I'm telling you! They've staffed this whole ship with Oh-Look-It's-Wossname-From-That-Thing type people.
ME: She's ginger. Vasquez isn't ginger...
HUMAN!TUVOK: Blah blah something else.
ME & HUBS: Ayyyy!
Shit happens, Roddy McDowell and Guinan turn up, a Kirk-shaped hole gets torn in the ship.
SCOTTY: Och, dearie me, Kirk's dead. I'd better do some heavy drinking so that I think he's still alive come 'Relics'.
ME: The Enterprise B looks like a Japanese toilet. (It does.)
SKIP TO THE FEW-CHAH FEW-CHAH! Holodeck clipper ship, Troi looks Smokin' in breeches, Geordi does weird yodel-thing when Worf gets promoted, Worf does awesome triple-take when plank is dissolved, then runs on the spot in mid-air, pulls a rip-cord releasing an anvil instead of a parachute, holds up a tiny sign saying 'help' and falls into the water. Then Bev is pushed in in glorious slow-mo. Slow-mo is used a Hell of a lot in this movie. Then Picard gets news that his jerkwad brother from Top Secret died horribly and the party's over.
RIKER: Some science station's been attacked.
PICARD: Shutupanddiecan'tyouseeI'mangsting!!!!
There ain't nothin' on the science station except Andie McDowell again, so they bring him aboard so he can loiter in Ten Forward giving Guinan the heebie-jeebies while Geordi and Emotional!Data do some comedy schtick. Then the 24th Century's answer to Laurel & Hardy go to the science station and The Amazing Spinerman tries out some of his 'annoying laugh' repertoire (including, impressively, the full Elaine Paige Seal-honk) until he starts gurning scarily with the help of CGI, making everyone's favourite lovable robot look a little bit like this:
Then Andie McDowell scampers up and punches Geordi in the face. Geordi, being the wussy human punching bag that he's been for the last 7 series, falls into a swoon at the horror of being struck. Seriously - Wesley could beat him in a fight. Data's still too scared by his face having gone all weird and Gollumish to do owt about it, so Roddy sends a rocket to the sun with a giant fire extinguisher inside it and makes off with Geordi while the sun gives up and curls into itself, sending a big wave of wuh-oh towards the science station, which everyone gets the heck out of just in time.
Andie McNabb has escaped with Geordi onto a ship captained by two pairs of tits with Klingons attached to them. I'm still not sure why he ever captures Geordi in the first place, but he keeps our pugialisticly challenged chum naked and sweaty with a leather strap round his throat for some reason. He asks Geordi why he doesn't just get eye implants. Geordi scoffs outwardly at the idea and inwardly kicks himself and makes a mental note to have words with his optician to get his first contacts by First Contact.
Meanwhile, Picard and Data are hanging out with some chick named Stella Cartography, who used to live in a small beige lab with a starry globe in it but has somehow since transformed into Cerebro. I reckon that bird Picard was going out with for a bit put the sweetners on him for a bigger cut of the budget. Anyhoo, Data's all sad about letting Geordi down.
PICARD: How dare you be Emo? I was the one being Emo!
DATA: I can be more Emo than you! I don't want to live any more! I want to sit in my room and listen to My Chemical Romance! Please let me die!
PICARD: Pull your socks up and get over it, robot! Plenty more blind Engineers in the sea! You have to get on with things and cope, you know, just like the way I totally didn't do only 20 minutes ago!
DATA: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAAAAAAAND!!!
PICARD: DO I HAVE TO GET KEYBOARD CAT TO PLAY YOU OFF?!?!
KEYBOARD CAT:
Anyway, McG has enough of Geordi and goes down to another planet to make another sun go kablooey and Picard sort-of swings it with the tittie sisters that they should let him go down too *and* give back Geordi, but ah-ha, the tittie-sisters have a plan! They've put a little camera inside Geordi's Visor! Ooh, it's like Spooks! Only Geordi doesn't go to Engineering for hours and they have to watch him wandering around the ship, ineffectually chatting to girls, doing some male bonding with Data, having a poo and watching three episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond before they see something or other about the Enterprises shields that means they can shoot 'em. They shoot, there's some falling around, some technobabble magic weakens the Tittysisters ship at the last minute and, even though they'd be given chance to back down if this were the TV Series, Riker just barks 'fire' and their titties are blasted to smithereens. And then, because this is a movie, there's something wrong with a warp core or something so they have to evacuate the ugly half of the ship and BLOW IT UP! And then, because it's still a movie, they wind up with a freaking planet in the face!!!
And it's awesome! I'd forgotten how long that bad boy is skidding to a halt for. Everybody falls over at least three times, Worf goes arse-over-tit over the Captain's chair like he always does, Data gets a beam on the head for his trouble and then everybody is chucked at the giant screen. There is not one person aboard the Bridge who doesn't wonder at some point here why the Enterprise isn't fitted with seatbelts.
However, that phenomenal set-piece takes place before the third act. The exciting third act is reserved for omlette making.
See, Picard chucks a pebble at McG but it misses, and while he's trying to climb through a hole in the shoddily-piled rock to retrieve it, Roddy McDowell shoots at him, then sends a rocket up to the sun... which takes two seconds after sailing out of view to reach said destination. Actually, less time than that. It takes two seconds from the rocket disappearing for the light reaching this planet to show the star collapsing. Bearing in mind the fact that our own sun's... what, about 6 light minutes away from us? Just before Scotty can poke his head up to remind us that The Laws of Physics dunnae worrrrk that way, the kablooey catches up with the planet, doing the work of a multitude of Vogon Constructor Ships, killing everybody.
Only, Picard is suddenly in 'Heaven'. Only, for some reason, Heaven to him is a chintzy doily-fest filled with terrifying, ringletted moppets, a carousel in the middle of his bloody living room, paintings of himself in various comedy period outfits and fuckloads of tinsel. Huh. You think you know a Captain. Guinan shows up and tells him none of this is really real, including her. Picard decides that this Heaven really is a bit too toothsome and frilly for him, and that he needs help if he's going to get out. Luckily, Kirk is nearby, where he's been chopping wood for the last 7 decades.
PICARD: Dear Jim, Please, please, please, would you fix it for me to stop Andie McDowell blowing up a star and killing all my friends? Much love, Jean-Luc.
KIRK: Now then, now then, just wait a minute while I cook this omlette...
AUDIENCE: We are watching two men cook an omlette. Is this... is this right? Have we all suddenly tuned in to Big Cook Little Cook by mistake?
KIRK: Right, I've decided you can fuck off and die. I'm going into my bedroom to propose to my GF.
PICARD: Well then I'm going to follow you around, ruining the mood... *opens 'bedroom' door, steps into stable* Oh. Oh dear. Well, now I can see why you never found the right woman to settle down with.
KIRK: I ran out of human women to shag. And humanoid alien women. It was only once I moved on to horses that I finally discovered what had been missing all my life. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to ride this baby's brain's out!
PICARD: That's gross, but I'm still going to chase after you and ruin the mood.
KIRK: Hey look, on the horizon... it's Trixibelle, my beloved! Only, there's a lady on her back. that's weird. Oh well, better go back to reality, then.
Back ever-so-slightly in the past, Kirk and Picard show up for a three-way old man fight in which two Starship captains only just manage to outfight an aging thesp. Kirk ends up on a bridge that buckles and groans almost as badly as Shatner's corset.
KIRK: If only I were my Official Weight, instead of my Actual Weight...
BRIDGE: I CANNAE TEK IT NAE MAAARRRRR!!!!
*plummet*
Meanwhile, Picard fiddles with the controls so that the rocket blows up in Andie McDowell's face. Andie McDowell struggles to find Worf's 'Help' sign from earlier on before being turned into an attractive crater. And luckily, even though this rocket can destroy a star in microseconds, if you dodge behind a bit of rock from it, you'll be all right. Yay Picard. Kirk has also been shielded from the blast. Unfortunately for him, what was shielding him was the fuckload of steel that was crushing him to death.
ME: LOL, Bridge on the Captain!
PICARD: You'll be fine! We'll all meet up in a bar some day and laugh about this! look, I even found your leg! Everything's going to be great!
KIRK: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my... *is ded*
So Picard just sticks some more pebbles on him. It's what he would have wanted. Merrily, he saunters back to find half his ship exploded and the other half smashed.
PICARD: Dude, what the fuck?
RIKER: I intend to live forever...
PICARD: Jesus, Will. My ship!
RIKER: I hope to sit in that Captain's chair myself someday...
PICARD: Don't count on it, chum. I give you the keys for one day and it's a write-off!
RIKER: Something something about time.
PICARD: I hate you.
*CREDITS*
HUBS: Told you it was Vasquez.
ME: Shut up.
THE END!!!!
